Today marks three weeks into the semester and I am overwhelmed and about ready to give up. Today is the first football game. I can hear fireworks from my apartment. Hope the Devils are winning. But I don't feel like I'm winning in school.
The last two semesters I worked so hard that I had no social life and I got all A's, but it seems like it's never going to pay off. All I hear in school and read about is that a Master's degree is the new undergrad. Come on! I can never quite catch up to where I should be in life and now the bar is being set even higher. I feel like that challenge is out of my reach. I have been in school on and off for 10 years. There has to be an end to this madness. Just because the economy is in the toilet, does not mean that I now have to get a Master's. I don't wish to. I went back to school by choice, but have lost the enthusiasm. I feel like my best is never good enough and the next day I don't try as hard and may not be giving my best anymore. How do I get out of this funk? It's awful.
Last spring when I was having trouble with a class, I'd go to see the teacher or a tutor. It made me feel smarter and more motivated. I have been in touch with all of my professors this semester and it doesn't reassure me at all. I feel like I will never get the hang of certain programs or speaking Spanish. So why even try? I know you probably want me to shut up by now. This feeling is just weighing me down. People keep telling me that I'm almost done. Then what? I feel like there is nothing to look forward to after I finish. My career path is uncertain and so am I.
I know I go to a great school, especially for my major. I just have trouble seeing myself in a profession where you are constantly judged by every aspect of your social media history. It's not just Facebook. Journalists like to dig into documents to find all the juicy details. And my past is not entirely clean. So how I see it there won't be a great job at the end of the Cronkite tunnel. Even if I made no mistakes, I just feel like it does not fit my life.
Maybe I am on a negative roller coaster that primarily heads downward with not enough turns and loop de loops to change my attitude. I don't know. But I find it difficult to care about succeeding in class when I'm the only one who cares about my grades. I don't know how to motivate myself to get over it and do this for me.
